Sibling Assignment #80: Animal Beer

This week our sibling assignment was delivered to us from Raymond Pert. He just made the Sibling Ripley's Believe It or Not for being the first to post this week. Here was our assignment:

Take a picture of something weird or of something not weird in a weird way.
Try to make the subject of your picture either unrecognizable or take a picture of something really odd that your viewer won't know what it is. Post the picture and write a post about it in whatever way you want. You might try to identify what's in the picture or you might write what the picture makes you feel or think about or whatever.

Raymond's exciting memoir piece of sleigh riding on Chestnut Hill is here and Silver Valley Girl's superb poem about Kellogg is here. This is the picture Raymond Pert emailed to me:

" Go find the beer I stored in the garage to fill the slug traps," Mom ordered as she was watering her plants, deadheading, and catching a few minutes of " Law and Order " in between.

I went out to the garage and began the challenging task of finding the location of the slug bait. First I found a half a rack of Miller High Life. I called from the porch step into the kitchen, "Is it this Miller?"

"Heavens no... that is not slug beer. I got that for JEJ to drink. It was on sale at Yoke's and I thought that was the kind he likes to drink. I don't spend that kind of money on the slug beer. He does like that kind doesn't he?"

I shrugged my shoulders and went back for round two of search and rescue. With the car in the garage it takes a person built a bit like Olive Oyl to negotiate around the chipper/shredder, the recycle bin, plus watch for falling gardening tools on the pegboard on the wall. I am not build like Olive Oyl and I am a bit clumsy when it comes to tight places. I looked in the empty garbage can, but found a half used bag of peat moss with sacks from McDonald's thrown in on top. Somebody once again forgot that the garbage can on the right is not really a garbage can even though it rests next to the identical garbage can that is used for a garbage can.

Could the beer be under the car? I didn't see it. I looked above at the shelf in the rafters, but I really didn't want three canvas directors' chairs to drop on my head so I tried another area. For some reason maybe Mom put the slug beer in the cupboards on the wall. Let's see.... next to the Round Up, jar of nails, and ten faucets and nozzles there was no beer to be found.

I stubbed my toe on an old cooler the family had since our one and only camping trip with the Costas up the river. It is a metal Coleman with a green padded top. What in the world was that old cooler doing here by the rakes and shovels? I peered inside just for kicks.

Nestled in a bed of crushed ice was a collection of icy cold beers. I grabbed one of the shiny, sweaty cans to look at the brand. It was animal beer! The Schmidts beer was cooling off just waiting to be served. Even though each can was marked with an animal, I didn't see a slug decorating a single can.

"Hey Mom.... is this Schmidts beer in the cooler the slug beer?"

The sounds of the water running, the dishwasher grinding, and gunfire from the television kept Mom from hearing my question. I trudged back in the house and asked her why the animal beer was in the cooler. Was that what I was to use in the slug baits?

"Now.... is the cheapest brand of beer at IGA and you know... I read in Heloise that if the beer is cold the slugs are likely to come quicker to the little slug bait taverns. That is why I put the beer on ice and why I wait to put it out at night. Now don't handle the can too much. You will warm it up and it won't work as well."
I looked down at the icy can that was making my hand turn red. I think I had a few more minutes.

"I thought Heidleberg was the brand you always used," I shouted above the noise.

Mom laughed as she shouted back. " It was completely sold out. I heard the Class of '74 was having a pre-function for their reunion tonight. Have you seen this episode of "Law and Order" and where have I seen that actress before?"

" She played Punky Brewster way back when.... I'd know her anywhere" , I replied as I stumbled back over the chipper/shredder and grabbed another cold beer. As I filled the recycled tuna cans I wondered if slugs would like a little tomato juice with their cold beer. After a hot day eating lettuce in the garden and crawling around under the deck what would taste better than a Schmidt's red beer out of a tuna can?

Darn. The tomato juice was probably sold out also.


  1. raymond pert9.11.08

    I think you can count on getting a five bull elk/rainbow trout/ring-necked pheasant rating from Go Figure, the King of Schmidt beer.

    You might pick up a grizzly bear demerit, though: wasting The Brew that Grew with the Great Northwest on slugs? Bad form.

    Great description of the grits garage.

  2. I laughed out loud as I imagined you navigating your way around the garage, looking for the illusive slug beer, and I'm amazed you came away unscathed, and nothing fell on top of you. Well, I guess this is a work of fiction!! LOL!!!

    Great post!!! This incident so-o-o-o-o- could have actually happened.

  3. I didn't want to carry it too far... the broken pop bottle on the floor and a cut foot has already happened, but I guess I could have sliced my leg with the jagged lid from the coffee can that always sits on top of the recycle bin. lol.

  4. Very good story! Love it! The only beer I ever found at my mom's house was for her slugs! I've thought of using this technique for slugs (does it work for snails too?) but I have been halted by the thought of my Schnauzers. What would they act like if they took a swig or two???


  5. Ahhh, Schmidt Beer! RP is correct amundo...your picture of all the Schmidt Beer cans brought tears to my eyes! I would like to say that I remember it well, but I can't. It must have been heck on my brain cells. Indeed, when I announced on HBO that Schmidt was the real king of beers, I caught enormous grief. But, when you have a position you need to stick with it. HA! WELL DONE!!! Could you please email a copy of the beer picture to me so that I might display it proudly?

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  7. Sorry, I got carried away, (literally) because of the tears from the beautiful picture combined with the horror of Schmidt being used on slugs!!! Please, of please, say isn't so! HA!

  8. Starr sent me over to help him in his defense of Schmidt beer. Being a lawyer, he could have handled this case on his own but he wanted to include me, for which I am grateful. Use Oly, Hamms, or Lucky Lager, but not Schmidt. Save those cans for Starr's office. They are works of art. They sell them on ebay for big bucks.

  9. There you go! The protest in now clear across the U.S.! HA!

  10. LOL! My garage is kinda like that - but I always used warm leftover beer for slugs. Wish I could remember if it worked! Cute post!!

  11. Now I know why I left Idaho. They waste beer on slugs. Evidently slugs are as plentiful in Idaho as skinheads.

  12. GF and MBW: Case closed... no more of the King of Beer for the slugs at 516 W. Cameron, Kellogg, Idaho. Those slimy creatures will have to suffer through their demise with the likes of Olympia or Hamms. It is such a shame they stopped making generic Beer Beer in the white box with the black letters. It could have been added to the slug tavern mix. If there are any cans left in the depths of the garage... I will have them delivered snail... I mean slug mail to your office GF.

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